Saturday, November 20, 2010

Big Buns

I've let a few days pass since I have pondered my psychological issues regarding my eating. There is definitely a connection regarding my mental state and my choice of food.  When I am feeling tired, depressed and anxious I crave........everything. Everything except fruits and vegetables. Why? However, when I am feeling confident and energetic I make the right choices.  This is supposed to be a chronicle of my weight loss journey.  So far I've stayed about the same  weight since I started this blog 3 years ago.  I've lost, gained, lost again and unfortunately, as of late, I've gained again.  But at least I haven't lost all hope.  My original idea was to photograph my meals so it would be an easy way to track and journal the food I eat while losing weight. Instead, here I am proudly displaying my fresh baked hamburger buns. I need to get my priorities in order and figure out which buns I want to be proud of. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror. Sigmund Freud

I always looked up to my parents for approval when I was growing up. I started off in a deficit from day one. I was born the third daughter. After giving birth to two daughters, my parents naturally wanted to change it up a bit and get the boy. Well, instead I was born. I have spent my entire life trying to make up for it. I tried my best to be the good daughter. I ran for my Dad’s slippers when he came home from work. I fetched his water when he was thirsty. I got up early in the morning to go to work with him whenever I had a day off from school. I was the pleaser. I was the one who wanted to make everyone feel better when they were sad. All of these years later, I have finally come to the conclusion that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I can’t make it for them. I continued this behavior as I had my own children. I wanted to shield them from any disappointment that might come their way. In doing so, I took away their independence and their chance to make their own decisions, their own mistakes, and ultimately their own successes. While I tried to be the perfect daughter and mother, I ended up being a great big flop. How does this fit in with my weight loss blog you may ask? I’m not sure yet, but suffice it to say, I am a work in progress and trying my best to understand myself and what makes me overeat.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

June Cleaver

June was always thin. She had a smile on her face, pretty little dress, high heels and pearls. Sure, once in a while she got upset with the Beaver, but Ward always knew how to diffuse the situation. The difference between June Cleaver and me? Besides about 60 pounds, she knew her place. She knew that her role in life was to please her husband, take care of her kids, and put meals on the table with a smile. Now that might sound demeaning to the modern woman, but really….is it? She was taking care of her family and by golly; she did a darned good job!

I feel so guilty that I don’t have a job any more. I try to make sure that everything I do is pleasing to my husband who has to work. So, that means if his favorite food is spaghetti with meat sauce, I should make it as often as I can. I do that and watch the pounds pile on me. What is wrong with this picture? Blogging is great because it forces one to journal and put their fattening reasons on paper. June was a satisfied woman with no expectations beyond an apron. What am I looking for????

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I was a thin bride.

So, last night I had a bit of a revelation. I am going to officially blame my weight problem on my husband. First of all, I was thin when I was single. If that is not proof enough, let me continue. I eat perfectly throughout the day. I don't start to snack or overeat until nighttime husband is home. I also eat like there is no tomorrow on the weekends. Hmmm. Husband is home on the weekends. I am going to give this more thought, but for now, suffice it to say "I think I am on to something."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Ahh! Tuesday Relief!

OK!  So the scale was my friend today. After my horrendous weekend, I am three pounds lighter today. It is amazing how one day of good eating after a weekend of stuffing myself can turn everything around. Yesterday, I started my morning with a crisp apple, thinly sliced in several tasty little bites. Then, I followed it up with a WW chocolate one point smoothie. I no longer felt like the bloated slug that I did when I woke up. I also put my pedometer on and wore it all day. Although I never made it to 10000 steps, at least I was conscious that movement was on my side. I ate leftover sarmada soup for lunch and had a big green salad with slices of steak for dinner. It was delicious and it took me a long time to eat it. Tony ate the rest of the pizza and I was happy to see the last remnants of it leave our house. Yesterday was such a success, that I am starting my day like that again today. Wish me luck!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Ugh! It's Monday!

Why do I have such a problem with weekends? I don't keep track of points and I tell myself I can eat anything. And, then I do. I have been paying for weight watchers for the last two months and I have finally decided to actually try the program. Unlike my usual start and stop personality....this time I am doing a "no start and start." In other words, I am actually starting WW today. I have decided to write this blog to keep me motivated. It doesn't matter if anyone else is reading it. I am doing this for myself. I have been trying to lose weight for the last 20 years. I have lost and gained and lost and gained again. I am tired of being too embarassed to go out in case I see someone who knew me when I was thin. I am tired of having no clothes to wear. I am tired of being tired. Want to know what I ate yesterday? I started the morning out with a bowl of oatmeal and black coffee. Oh yes. I was going to be good for the day. Then, around 11:00 my dear husband decided he was hungry and suggested chili dogs with coleslaw from our local hot dog stand. Well, I decided, what the's Sunday. Then, for dinner we had the kids over and we picked up salad and our favorite pizzas. This morning when I weighed myself I had gone from my xxx's to the xxx's overnight. I started the year at xxx and I have slowly climbed the scale pound by pound. I am too old to live my entire life obsessing about food. Wish me luck.